Only Theo Panayides Has Wings

This is a blog about Theo Panayides, the cyprustician online critic that writes reviews of movies old and new on his website ( He is very good. In fact, he is awesome. It is also an exercise for my english-writing abilities, as I'm from Brazil.

Location: Goiânia, Goiás, Brazil

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Taut Thoughts

So here we go:

*So, Pablo Villaça, the brazillian Roger Ebert as far as critics go (except Villaça is retarded and his reviews are mostly useless), wrote this article on Brazil's recent film history which is not half bad, informative and mostly interesting (but in a very simplistic and "quick recap" way). Also, he has definetely not mastered the english language, as I obviously did (snort).

But trust me, our film industry is still a long way from somewhere like Asia or whatever. And I don't mean quantity of films or local appreciation, but the actual quality is very evidently lacking. Maybe it's that Brazil doesn't have much of a movie tradition; maybe it's that the lack of accessibility for foreign and independent movies to the general public that's generating a pretty ignorant generation, filmwise; maybe it's just that we're all retards. Look at Walter Salles, he sold out with THAT WATER IS SO DARK; what a wonderful role model. And the weird thing is that film graduation course in college is one of the top four or five most attended in the country (behind only stuff like Law and Medicine). I mean, I can only wonder who these thousands of cinephile/artists are, and where do they come from. I sure as hell don't know many of them. Maybe it became one of those "I don't know what to do, so I'll just take a Film Course to pretend I give two shits about college"-type deals. Or maybe we'll be having a New Brazillian New Wave (or Neo-Cinema Novo; or we could come up with something more elegant like "The Awesome-Type Wave of the Cinema of the Brazil") and there'll be all these fresh-out-of-college artists bursting with ideas and a revolutionary spirit. Not. (But watch THE HOUSE OF SAND cuz my bud said it was all kinds of awesome and it's currently his favorite movie of 2005.)

*How do you pronounce Jarmusch. Is it like JAR (as in "I dropped your fucking jar and it broke bud") MUSCH (as in "these MUSHrooms are trippy bud"). Or is it JarMILK. Or is it JarMINGLIANG. What is it. Thanks.

*Khansc (faithfull TheoBlog supporter and Panayidette) just sent this instant message to me: "THE TRIP is the greatest film ever made". He just started watching it, so it's highly probable he'll end up taking it back and saying something like "Oh, it started out real good but it didn't live up to the opening."... BUT, in case he doesn't take it back, you heard it here first, on the TheoBlog. THE TRIP is the greatest film ever made. Officially. Just ask Khansc. Really.

*I haven't seen SIN IN THE CITY yet, but Theo's 74 doesn't make me want to. I'm usually very much attuned with his taste, but I don't care for Rodriguez, and nothing I read about it did anything to wipe the feel of "fanboy wetdream" that it yells out. To make matters worse, I already bashed it to my friends, saying "it sounds like the kind of crap people who enjoyed UNDERWORLD will fall for". And one of my friends, who's definetely no cinephile but has a decent taste in movies, said it was just "watchable". He proceeded to tell most of what happens in the movie to me (and I didn't mind, because I figured the way he told it would certainly be a lot funnier and more entertaning than the actual film [this same friend also does a great Klaus Kinski-Aguirre impression]) so I listened and all the little interest I had left in it slowly faded out and disappeared into nothingness and etc. Maybe I'll take a look, but I'm afraid that if I end up liking it, I'll have to swallow my words and that will be embarrassing. I hope it sucks. In other news, NOBODY KNOWS (!!!) and THE DOOR ON THE FLOOR just opened here in the Goianian-type city of the Third World country Brazil. This is awesome. I will watch both of them. With glee. And the SP Film Festival is less than two months away. I cannot fucking wait.

*Speaking of film festivals, Gus Van Sant is attending the Rio de Janeiro Film Festival (at the end of this month) to promote THE LAST DAYS OF KURT COBAIN. There are some other famous people coming to the Rio Fest also, but who cares, really. It's Gus Van Sant, the Bela Tarr protégé. He is awesome. I wonder if he'll end up enjoying Brazil so much he'll make the next movie of his Bela Tarr-rip off Death Series following Pelé around with a Steadicam as he tries to play soccer but can't because he's too old for soccer (this is a metaphor for the Death of Soccer, or the Death of the Sports, or the Death of Talent, or the Death of a Legend, or maybe he'll actually kill off Pelé in the end [note: Pelé is still alive], take your pick).

*I was going to post something related to MALGAAT but the computer problems are still going on, so hang on there and don't let the Malgaat spirit die. Value your Malgaat (possible tagline).

*This rambling post is pathetic. I'll post something better next time (soon). Download Ulrich Schnauss' "On My Own". This is a song. It is an AIR type song, but more energetic. I'm addicted.

*So things in New Orleans are going pretty bad. This is awful. I hope the cool film critic Matt Lotti (linked in Theo's website) is ok (since I think he lives there, but I may be wrong), and best wishes to everyone there. Fucking hurricanes.


Blogger Kza said...

Lotti's not there (he lives in some strange parallel universe where STARSHIP TROOPERS is cool but MIKEY & NICKY sucks), but our common blogfriend Scott Black lived there -- check here ( for details. I feel awful for him and I'm hoping things get better for him and his wife.

Also, it's Jar-moosh.

10:49 PM  
Blogger Khansc said...

The Trip is a clear and present 87. LSD can't be wrong. Peter Fonda watching a wash machine can't be wrong. Hurricanes...why Herzog doesn't try something with them?

10:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jar-MOOSH, as far as I know.

Sin City is retarded. So is NYU. Why did I come back.


2:26 PM  
Blogger Luis said...

Kza: I checked out Scott's blog. Dear god. This freaked me out: "The national media hasn’t even hinted at how bad the violence has been in the city. It is a living nightmare there now. It’s 28 Days Later times 100." I am reminded of the WOTW mob scene.

Vadim: I had read your review. It put the nail in the SIN CITY's coffin for me. You have robbed Rodriguez of 10 bucks. Good job.

Jim JarMOOSH: Now I know how to pronounce your name correctly, bud. Watch out.

4:12 AM  
Blogger md'a said...

I understand where you're coming from here bud. I have long considered Rodriguez a hack and basically had to march myself into the theater at gunpoint. If there was any motion picture this year I would have sworn would not be on my top ten list it would be Frank Miller's City of Sin. And yet there it still is, months later.

Also when has Vlad ever been right about anything ever.

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Thanks for the kind words, Folco, but I'm right here in the Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania, where we're just combating these strange Japanese Beetles.

Also, KZA: why no love for Verhoeven's only good movie?

5:22 PM  
Anonymous fission mailed!!!! said...

Hold on. Another lost soul thinking Starship Troopers = cool? Alrighty then. Even more reason to dread the nearsighted callow jizz raves Serenity will inevitably prompt. Hey, if it worked for an all-out plain genre crapfest like WotW '05......

On a more optimistic note, now all the Panayides warnings of world-record smackdowns he puts on movies that aren't Starship Troopers won't be remotely enough to convince me to actually bother with that guy's site, 'kay thanx bye etc.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Kza said...

Oh, I have plenty of love for FLESH PLUS BLOOD.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous V said...

STARSHIP TROOPERS is very cool, but ROBOCOP is Verhoeven's masterpiece.

9:41 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Oops, I never saw The Flesh Plus All The Blood. Isn't that eternal cutie J. J. Leigh in that? She was good in "The Jacket," if you should find your face in front of a screen showing that.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Kza said...

Actually, I haven't seen ALL FLESH, ALL BLOOD in over ten years, but I really did like it at the time. However, I'm unsure if it still holds up. I don't think that ROBOCOP does, tho.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

K-to-the-Z-to-the-A, you err in your dislike of "The Troopers on the Starships". It was cool even in Spanish. (Also, avoid the new Argento. It's time to let Dario go off into that good night.)

Also, when is J. J. Leigh not good? (Besides "In the Cut", I mean.)

7:42 AM  
Blogger Steve said...

Also, "Mikey and Nicky" does kinda suck. Sorry bud.

7:43 AM  
Anonymous fission mailed!!!! said...

Besides In the Cut? In Altman's Kansas City, I'd suggest, though it's similarly more 'on the whole' kind of a misfire than anything to do with J.J.

Neither's as worthless satirically or otherwise as Starship, though.

6:13 PM  
Blogger Kza said...

See, what I'm mostly reacting to in Matt's STARSHIP review is this:

"Stunningly effective indictment of war-era propaganda and colonialism that works because it's played so straight"

Huh? Straight? I can't walk into a room where it's playing without having to wipe the satire -- excuse me, I mean "satire"-- from my clothes. And that campy sort of "satire" that Verhoeven specializes is okay if you smoke that, but personally I can't stands it. But it's exactly that style that keeps it from being stunningly effective in any sense. A real movie would have played it straight -- straight like RAMBO, let's say -- and then pulled out the jackboots at the end. The effect would've been like that afterschool special THE WAVE (ever see that?), where we, the audience would have identified with the heroes, and then belatedly realized we were rooting for fascists. That's what I would call subversive. But instead, he plays his hand early and casts it full of pretty nobodies, a jokey riff on 90120, distancing the audience from what's going on (at least, that what happened at my screening -- you could feel people bristling at the patronizing tone). Maybe it's fine for intellectual purposes, but a real indictment would hit in the gut, I think.

Lastly: 1) I've sniped at Matt too often lately -- sorry about that, man. I don't mean to pick on you. 2) Apologies to Folco -- I don't mean to use his space as a soapbox, especially when I have my own blog that needs tending to. :-0

8:40 PM  
Blogger Luis said...

Kza: What you're talking about there is what I like to call the Dogville Twist (or the Watchmen Twist, if you're into comics). You feel sympathy for Grace throughout all of her suffering, and you're almost begging her to kill those fuckers that are doing that to her. But when it happens - when she kills them - it's ugly and mean and cruel and you instantly feel ashamed of yourself. It's awesome when it's well done (like in Dogville).

But complaining that TROOPERS doesn't play like that is like complaining your Big Mac doesn't include fish. Of course it doesn't, you'd have to ask for the McFish (or whatever the fuck) for that. Verhoven went with the satire angle and it turned out fine to me. You could go both routes and either fail or hit the mark. Now, if you have some personal grudge against "campy satire", then it's another matter...

9:06 AM  
Blogger Luis said...

I belive Theo refers to this "twist" as the UNFORGIVEN Trick.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

What I meant about "Starship Troopers" being played straight is that I believe most people will miss the Hitlerite costumes and the mockery of teen movies. Honestly. It works as satire AND as a plain old sci-fi movie.

Fission Mailed!!?! is correct about the City in Kansas but you'd think someone with an alias straight out of a computer game would be more open to violent silliness.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Kza said...

But to me, to laud STARSHIP TROOPERS for its satire is kinda like saying that a Big Mac is a great fish sandwich. It's nothing of the sort. And yes, the key thing here (for me) is campiness. By my (possibly wrong) definition of campy, it means that "we don't take any of this shit seriously". It's a lark, it's a joke. (It's the difference between HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES and THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, to go back to another conversation in a galaxy far, far away.) That's fine, but that immediately defangs any satire. And finally, I find it hard to believe that any average joe or jane could miss the Hitler refs and teen movie mockery, but if they do, then people are much, much stupider than I imagined.

(Well, that might be overstating it. At least, when I watch it, I feel like hammers are being thrown at me.)

But anyway, none of this is to take away from Verhoeven's skill as a director, as a composer of moving images. He's great. I just don't think he's half as clever as he thinks he is.

(Also, I forgot he did TOTAL RECALL. I still have love for that.)

To conclude: I'm going to drop this, because, since Matt is sorta kinda known as the "Critic Who Doesn't Like Movies", to attack him for honestly LIKING something is, well, stupid. Really, I should be encouraging the man.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

Well, since we're dropping it, I just wanted to say:

Holy shit dude I HAVE seen "The Wave"! High school freshman health class, baby... (Although I'm not sure I could see that film as even remotely satirical...)

6:12 PM  
Blogger Kza said...

To be clear, I didn't mean that THE WAVE (which I must confess, I never saw, just read the novelization [insert embarassed face]) was satirical, just that it had a twist (dubbed "The Watchmen Twist" by Folco) that would've given STARSHIP POOPERS some bite.

C'mon baby, let's do the Watchmen twist...

P.S. High school health class!? Really?

9:51 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Jesus christ Kent, you must be great fun at parties. What, doesn't your wife let you make decisions around the house?

11:05 AM  
Blogger Kza said...


2:06 PM  
Blogger Kza said...

If I've offended you in any way, I deeply apologize. That's not how I (intend to) roll.

2:20 PM  
Anonymous The Real Matt said...

What's going on here? You don't have to apologize because I didn't write that. If I had beef with the KZA, it would most likely involve something re: "Return of the Living Dead" being the best horror movie ever made. And I'm positive you're a riot at parties, unless in fact you are the guy who always brings the Twister board and a bottle of Captain Morgan's. Then I'm not so sure. ;-)

12:30 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

I was gonna say, that doesn't sound like the Matt I know...

KZA: Yep, health class. I think we were supposed to be learning about the perils of groupthink or being your own person or something. Remember, I was schooled in SoCal. 'Health' class covered both mental and physical health, because obviously we can't have little Johnny feeling bad about himself can we?

3:03 PM  
Blogger Kza said...

Hey "Fake Matt", wherever you are -- did you intend to cause me serious emotional turbulence? If so, congratulations. NOW GO FUCK YOURSELF. ASSHOLE.

And I don't drink, but I'll bring a bottle of anything and a glazed donut for any shindig the Real Matt might throw.

Finally, for Steve: that makes more sense -- I just woulda figured it'd be for, uh, Social Studies or whatever they call it nowadays.

(Or does that not exist in high school anymore?)

7:33 PM  
Anonymous fission mailed!!!! said...

Heh. His rep off-blog was one thing, but now this whole "who is the Matthew Lotti for real" fiasco.....I'm not even gonna weigh in.

Ah yes, Troopers on the Starships, 90210: arguing that Verhoeven riffs satirical wonders for focus' sake on Hitler Youth and a hopelessly outdated genre thru, so we're clear, a *purposefully* thoughtless and deadening camp approach (reimho: no remotely, believably good let alone graced-note acting whatsofuckingever in sight) to begin with is tantamount to shutting off any faucets or margins for constructive criticism and simply declaring that McFish gourmet where, y'know, the actual execution is concerned, like contending

- Election is an incisive analysis of everyday antisocial ambition and behavior;
- or the Kill Bills are controlled marvels of poker-faced minimalism;
- or Monster's Ball a naturalistic treatise on the hardship of interracial luv;
- or Tykwer's Heaven a meaningful, pulsing display of people eschewing the law and common sense for one another;
- or the (Honking Bore) of the Worlds an realistic treatise on the gawky stupidity, dumb luck and miracle videocameras of the human race.

Or self-satisfied practice missing blurb theory by a pitifully long shot. I'm just not feeling the edge, let alone the bite - I sure as hell must have lost sight of it onscreen. See, others are nodding their heads in churchgoer approval, but this going above and beyond exam enthusiasm is all at once possibly more irritating, masturbatory, clueless, obvious and painful BS for me to digest than the films themselves. The wilfully blind leading the wilfully blind. And over what? I mean, c'mon guys: sometimes a nekkid emperor is just a nekkid emperor, and a McFish is just - ugh - a McFish.

I don't think the Dogville Twist holds much water either. The last feeling that movie was able to evoke from me was sympathy. Von Trier did not succeed, if you ask me, in establishing enough of a bond, or a dialogue, let alone dramatic fireworks, between the Kidman and Bettany characters, much less sufficiently flesh out the rest of the ensemble beyond chalk for any sort of real impact to register. At least, not by the time he starts piling on his mechanical blend of misanthropy double-time and thoroughly modifies the townsfolk before mowing them down out of the blue. Genuinely shocking? More like vaguely comical.

No, I tolerated Dogville as much as I did (about equal with community yarns like Mystic River), probably more than I will Manderlay, because it was practically a frickin' baby step, if that, in terms of von Trier growing up as a filmmaker, despite all the tiresome, arch flailing, fretting, narrating and strutting going on (and as with Mystic, so OBLIVIOUSLY). More intriguing and entertaining in its failings than something supposedly escapist like Raiders of the Lost Ark (which I actually flat-out despise)? No doubt. Otherwise, it was really about as grandly incendiary as the 'fire' breaking out at the end, give me a break.

As for that dig at my username - I have indeed been playing far better (and more appreciably cinematic to boot) videogames than just about every one of the 30-something theatre releases I've seen this year.

Oh, and MGS2 still kicks all kinds of mindfudging ass.

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