Fake Theo Interview

The TheoBlog has been given the opportunity to conduct a fake interview with critic extraordinare Theo Panayides, of the small island of Cyprus. We talked to him about his life, his passion for movies, and his current projects, with very interesting results.

We met in the quiet lobby of a hotel in Cyprus, ordered coffee, and began the interview:

TheoBlog: Theo, thanks for sharing a bit of your busy schedule to talk to us. We were looking forward to this interview.

Theo: Right.

TheoBlog: Let’s start from the beginning. Tell us about your childhood.

Theo: [pause] ...Is this a joke? That’s such a bland question.

TheoBlog: ...Uh...

Theo: I give your question a 35.

TheoBlog: I’m sorry.

Theo: That’s out of 100.

TheoBlog: Sorry…

Theo: …

TheoBlog: …

Theo: I was born in Cyprus; a small island. My father had a large hyena farm. On the weekends, he traveled to the city, drank vodka and slept with whores. My mother never knew. She was a housewife. I went to public school in the morning and took care of the hyenas in the afternoon. I had to feed those hyenas. I slept with a whore when I was 14 years ol--

TheoBlog: Okay--

Theo: She was an oriental. She had supple legs. I paid her 20 dollars.

TheoBlog: That’s enough, thank you.

Theo: I loved that whore.

TheoBlog: Theo, when did your fascination with movies begin?

Theo: I was thirteen when Tootsie came out. It changed everything.

TheoBlog: [pause] Could you tell us a little bit more about that?

Theo: Yes. Let me take out my notebook and see what I wrote about it.

[Theo opens his briefcase and takes out an old notebook; finds a particular page and reads it]

Theo: “Tootsie. Oh, Tootsie. My wonderful Tootsie. Why are you so full of joy and emotions? Why do you make me laugh so? I have learned so much about life because of you. About men and women, and what brings them together. You truly shine. 67.” [he closes the notebook] Next question.

TheoBlog: You wrote that when you were fourte—

Theo: Next question.

TheoBlog: Okay… I understand you have a movie in the making.

Theo: It is called The Malgaat. It is about my childhood experiences; a coming-of-age picture. It features a hyena farm being invaded by Pauly Shore, and Lucy Liu as a hooker with a heart of gold. It has sex and violence and laughter. It’s about the life in Cyprus, but also a metaphor for the post-9/11 world. I’m currently trying to contact KT Tunstall of the perfect pop-nugget “Suddenly I See” to do a theme song for this picture.

TheoBlog: When is it going to be released?

Theo: I have not yet began shooting this picture. So I can’t answer that. But it will be done. It’s actually a trilogy.

TheoBlog: A trilogy?

Theo: Yes, like the hobbit pictures. The second part is gonna be called The Malgaat Reincarnate and the third part is gonna be called The Malgaat Reverberations. It’s gonna be awesome.

TheoBlog: Could you tell us about your experience in being a film critic?

Theo: Oy. It is truly annoying. You see a picture, then as soon as you come out of the theater you think “Zorba! I’m gonna have to write a review about it!”. And then you put the little rating in, then you write the goddamn review, and then you add the film to various lists and logs, and then some random internet nerd writes you an e-mail saying “Hey why did you give that rating to that movie you fuck, you fucking greek” and then I have to respond with an explanation while appearing polite. And then the end of the month comes and I don’t even get a paycheck. Truly awful. Awful.

TheoBlog: Do you plan to continue being a film critic if you become successful as a filmmaker?

Theo: [Theo laughs] God, no.

TheoBlog: Did you have any other jobs?

Theo: Yes. I worked as an attorney for a couple of years. Then I started a band in Cyprus. The band was called Repulsive Rodents. We had a single called “My Kind of Gal” which was a success in Cyprus, but the album flopped. So we quit a year later. Then I worked at a bakery for a few years, then I started my website.

TheoBlog: What finally led you to starting it?

Theo: I was trading e-mails with Mike D’Angelo, an american film critic who had started his own page back then, and he said it was a great way to meet women.

TheoBlog: So that was the sole reason?

Theo: Yes. I wanted to have intercourse.

TheoBlog: Ok… Our time is nearly up, so we’re gonna ask just a few more quick questions. Like, what’s your favorite city?

Theo: London. I lived there for a couple of years. Great place.

TheoBlog: Favorite childhood memory?

Theo: My father gave me a silver watch when I turned twelve. I was very pleased.

TheoBlog: Favorite cussword?

Theo: You motherfucking whore.

TheoBlog: What’s your fav--

Theo: Bitch. Cunt. Fucking bitch. You cocksucking fag. Motherfucker. Cock.

TheoBlog: Wha--

Theo: I wanna fuck you up the ass.

[pause]

TheoBlog: …What’s your favorite song?

Theo: Perfect pop-nugget “Suddenly I See”, by KT Tunstall.

TheoBlog: What would you want God to tell you when you arrived at the pearly gates?

Theo: “What? 55 for The Conversation?!” [Theo laughs uproariously]

TheoBlog: …

Theo: I would want him to tell me that I was a great man, and changed many people’s lives.

TheoBlog: Which celebrity do you have a crush on?

Theo: KT Tunstall of the perfect pop-nugget “Suddenly I See”.

TheoBlog: Favorite quote?

Theo: I knew you were gonna ask that question, so I memorized one: “Let it all dissolve. Let the films bleed into each other, let my mind go blank. Let the future feed upon the moment, like the wild dogs at the end of La Vie Nouvelle. Let it all go wrong. I was happy here and now.”

TheoBlog: That’s beautiful. Who said it?

Theo: Theodorus Panayides. [smiles]

TheoBlog: Oh. So you’re quoting yourself?

Theo: Who else? [giggles]

TheoBlog: Ok, that about does it. Thank you for your time.

Theo: Right.